Frozen Through A San Antonian Summer

[Nepenthe]

Sometimes reading other people's poetry will get me through life. I've missed this forum long enough and its time I've shared one of my own again.

Just the other day I was asked if all was alright
And in a solemn nod and a crooked smile
I gazed away and replied "yes"
Yet, without a doubt or question in mind
Something awful was infecting me inside
Something of another kind
Detatching me from life

What do you say when asked what's wrong?
When the gatherings and laughter are all going on
When the city is thriving in the sweltering sun
Leaving you lost, so weary, so withdrawn
To sit inside your solitude to sing your silent swan song

To be more of an observer than a liver
More of a dissector than a constructor
An over analysis is to cause a critical crises
For you are one that despises the concept of what it is to live!
So what more do I have to give when it's a given I've gone under?
Solidified in solitude
Frozen through the searing scourge of a burnt and blistered summer

What do you say when asked to join their company?
When all that's joining you are anhedonia and apathy
When all you can foresee are social catastrophes
For nothing's what it seems seeing life through shades of calamity
Questioning those voices, questioning your impulses
Questioning your sanity...

To be more of a thinker than a do-er
More of a failure than a creator
To attempt to tower to only crumble down and cower
Beneath the heels of scholars, activists, good peers and friends
And in the end I'll wander; lifeless and inferior
For it's all a social solitude
To be void of a lover through this seared and frozen summer

You cannot invert the introvert
You cannot convert the low into a higher state of being
For I am lost inside this endeavor
An endeavor through prevailing insecurity
Through self hatred and spiritual agony
Still running in place as a life long long distance runner
Frozen through the rural wasteland of San Antonio's summer