My Story...

LostLonelyGirl Fri Sep 02, 2011 2:49 am

Well, where to begin. My troubles and emotional issues began when I was just 8 years old. When my parents were still together my mom decided to stop taking her medication for her bipolar disorder. And, thought that it would be a good idea to take me across country to Atlanta Georgia. I guess she had a male friend who lived there that she wanted to visit. Well, during this visit she had to be hospitalized because she became sick from not taking her medication. So that meant I was alone with this 60 year old man who I had never met before. In the time that my mom was in the hospital this man molested me. He would watch me go too the bathroom and watch me take a shower. After this he would have me sleep with him in his bed and he would come up behind me and ask me if I could feel how hard he was. Me being only 8 years old I had no idea what was going on. Long story short when I finally was able to get back home to my grandma and my dad I never spoke a word about what had happened. I felt dirty. Ashamed. So I held it in for the longest time. Until it finally came out and by then it was already to late.
After this transpired I was back and forth between my mom and dad. I could not decide who to live with. That is a whole other story to begin with.
When I was 14 years old my mom had taken me too a hotel room for what she called a "vacation" and that meant that she would take a load of pain killers and follow them with alcohol. In turn it would mean that I would have to take care of her. Well, while she was in the other room I took a plastic knife and cut three times on the upper part of my wrist. The feeling was amazing and I loved feeling free. But it did not last long until I heard that my mom was up and I was still living in hell. (After that I did not cut for a year or two)
One day my mom took me too Ralphs grocery store near my grandmas house. And, I went walking around and saw this guy named Robert who stood out from the rest. He had the biggest smile on his face. The sweetest guy ever. As time went on I started to fall in love with Robert. He meant the world too me he reminded me that life did not have to be like this and that what my mom was putting me through was not my fault. Skipping ahead to when I was 15 Robert had us move into his house with him. And, what a beautiful house. I loved it there. Special memories were made there. We were there only for 3 weeks. The weekend of Feb. 12, 2009 is the weekend that I will never forget. I went came out to visit my dad. And, the last thing I remember Robert telling me was that he was watching a movie with my mom and they were having a good time. After that I did not hear anything from my mom or him. No one knew anything. Until Feb. 16 my dad gets a call from my brother David and I found out that Robert had committed suicide. He rigged his truck to fill with carbon monoxide. As well as he took a load of my moms medication. The worst time in my life. I felt as if I had nothing left to live for. He was my first love.
As time passed his friend Tony became friendly towards my mom and I. When the month of Feb. ended and March came around. Tony started to come around more and more. He would take me to his house and tell me to relax that I needed to let go and let loose. One time he gave me alcohol to calm me down. After he sexually assaulted he told me that it would be our secret. That I could not tell anyone. Well, I didn't and it happened 6 more times after that. I had a feeling that my mom knew but did nothing about it. She enjoyed seeing me hurt. It's something she lives for. He finally got caught on March 31, 2009. A police officer caught him with his pants down and everything. This was in his car by the way. And, I swear he acted as if he had done nothing wrong! My own mother said that he was like a brother to me. Longer story short. My mom did not want me to testify because she cared more about him then she did me. (By the way my dad and I are suing Tony right now)
My good friends convinced me to come back and live with my dad. So I did. In that time I had started cutting on a day to day basis. Doing terrible in school. Hating life. Hell I even tried to kill myself with my scarf. Time went on and I thought that this pain would never end. Then with the help of my counselor and my family and I realized my lifestyle could change if I truly wanted it too. It would not be easy. But I had to try. I wrote poetry as a distraction and kept trying to keep my head up. I tried so many times to stop cutting. But even if I relapsed I told myself it is okay if I stopped once I can do it again.
I have been SI free for about close to I would say 7-8 months now. And it has taken me 10 years to heal my wounds and scars. You know what I am still healing. Our pain and heartache from our past does not go away overnight it takes time and sometimes it takes longer for others. I till this day miss the feeling of cutting. But I have learned other ways to cope with my pain/heartache. It isn't easy that is for sure. It takes a lot of effort but don't give up. Anyway I could keep going but I think this is already long enough. Hope it helps you all understand me a little bit better.

Sevaru Fri Sep 02, 2011 3:05 am

*hugs*

Welcome to SI Friends. You've been through a lot so far, and you can count on us to support you in whatever goes on in your life! Well done on being SI free for 7 months - that is an amazing feat Smile