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Hello everyone(a bit wordy)

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Hello everyone(a bit wordy)

Post  Snizlito on Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:50 pm

First off let me say liked the old site more but at least with this one I can post via my iPhone.

Anyway my friends call me Snizlito or Sniz. I've been a cutter/burner since I was about 13 years old. We all have our reasons for starting this behavior so I won't dabble in that but the reason I am on here is because I'm at a loss as to what to do now. Back then they(parents and authoritative figures) told me it was a phase and tried to medicate me, I refused. After that(I was around 14 or 15) some very bad things happened over the next few years. The two big ones were my older brother killing himself and then a few months later I was in a car accident that nearly killed me. That accident messed me up physically and mentally. At one point in the ordeal I went a few hours without pain killers after 10 hours of reconstructive back surgery. To survive I had to embrace the pain. I say this because i truly believe it would have killed me otherwise. Fast forward through a few horrible relationships and minor relapses and I'm 19 and on a spiral of destruction. I'm drinking, smoking and doing any drug I can get my hands on. I figured if I separated myself from reality enough I would feel tempted to cut/burn. It sort of worked. I stopped taking my issues out on myself and instead took it out on everyone close to me. I was pretty much thrown out of town and was forced to move to where I am now(1300 miles from anyone I know).
Here's where we get to my current issues. I changed my mentality when I realized I screwed up everything I ever cared about. I cleaned up the drugs and the heavy drinking. I work full time for the government, split a house with some people I found on Craigslist and just kind of stay to myself. If I drink beer I'm fine, no crazy thoughts or actions but if I drink liquor it's a whole different story. Last November I drank a fifth of jack and did some pretty bad things to myself all while laughing like a maniac. It was my first relapse in 2 years. Last Friday I had a friend over and we were drinking Jim amd everything was great. He passed out around 2am. By 3 am my mood went from great to self destructive. The rest of the night is vague but I remember a few important things. I started carving myself up while again laughing. I realized something was clearly wrong upstairs and called my best friend in Cali. I don't remember the whole conversation but I remember telling him I do this because I was responsible for my older brother killing himself and it should have been me not him. I cut because I feel guilty. I cut because it's all I feel. I cut because I've been doing the right thing for a few years now but I feel like I'm failing miserably. I can't remember the rest but my friends won't talk about what I said or even ask how I'm doing(we did talk for 2 hours about dark souls and other video games).
My issues/thoughts are:
If drinking liquor brings out the real you then I'm doomed, when sober I feel fine. No urges or thoughts beside wanting to punch things in frustration.
If I quit drinking the disconnect is gone and I'm afraid these thoughts can take over while sober.
I can't talk to anyone because they could baker act me(roommates, co workers).
My family shies away from the subject due to the older brother.
I just don't know what to do. My biggest fear is I get drunk and instead of going for a knife I go for the gun.
What do I do?

Sorry if this is wordy and/or in the wrong forum but I was on a roll and didn't want to stop.

Snizlito

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Re: Hello everyone(a bit wordy)

Post  Owen on Wed Oct 26, 2011 11:30 pm

Hey Sniz... I'm sorry I'm not sure what you can do Sad if beer makes you feel ok then maybe try sticking to that? gah... I'm terrible at advice i'm sorry Sad

I'm sorry for everything thats happened to you too, I don't know what i'd do if I lost my brother Sad

I'll say welcome to the forum and I hope we can be as good as the first site eventhough the first site was amazing and this is nothing in comparrison... and I hope to see you around...

*hugs* from GDM
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Re: Hello everyone(a bit wordy)

Post  silence on Wed Oct 26, 2011 11:38 pm

99 and I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through Sad
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Re: Hello everyone(a bit wordy)

Post  Revenant on Wed Oct 26, 2011 11:49 pm

I could have written some parts of this myself. You know, guilt is a normal part of the grieving process. But it's not your fault what happened; you didn't actually kill him. In suicide, that is always the person's choice. Do you talk to a counselor at all? Talk therapy can be helpful with getting over that guilt. It has been for me, anyway.

Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm Travis. Razz Welcome to the forums.
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Thank you

Post  Snizlito on Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:12 pm

First thanks for the support, I guess that's why I turned to the Internet. Also upon reading my post the solution is pretty simple, don't drink liqour. I really admire the support of this community, these are strange times and it's nice to know there are others who are going through similar things. I think what I'm saying is it's nice to vent in a safe forum. As far as therapy is concerned, no thanks. In my experiences the therapist is some over paid clown with a perfect life who throws the same low impact positive one liners at you while secretly judging your deepest thoughts and secrets. No thank you sir, I can see through that plastic smile.

Anyway I stumbled on the journal part and that interests me. I'm going to start one once I get home on my pc(this iPhone sucks). I'm also going to try to contribute as much as I can. Thank you all again!

Snizlito

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Re: Hello everyone(a bit wordy)

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